


just let me burn (it's what i deserve)

by As_High_As_Honour



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Teen Titans - All Media Types, Titans (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence S2E7: Bruce Wayne, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dick Grayson Tries to Be a Good Older Sibling, Dick Grayson is a Good Brother, Gen, He Gets There, Hurt Jason Todd, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd Feels, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Whump, Jason Todd-centric, Minor Spoliers for S2 Titans, eventually, no beta - we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/As_High_As_Honour/pseuds/As_High_As_Honour
Summary: Jason Todd is not a fucking reject.(He's not, he's not,he's not).~~~Journeys through Seasons 1 and 2 of Titans, up to and including S2E7: Bruce Wayne.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd
Comments: 16
Kudos: 256





	just let me burn (it's what i deserve)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: let's write some fluffy fics for the Titans fandom
> 
> Also me: write about Jason getting kidnapped and tortured, oh and throw in some angst
> 
> It's not quite gone the way I hoped but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. 
> 
> Title is taken from 'Paradise Lost' by Hollywood Undead, which is actually based on John Milton's 'Paradise Lost', a series of poems that explore Lucifer's fall from grace. 
> 
> I don't own DC or Titans (unfortunately). 
> 
> Oh, also, I've never read the comics, so this is based entirely on the show. (Though apparently Jason loves reading which??? Why would they not emphasise that in the show because that makes me love him even more somehow???)

Jason Todd is not a fucking reject. 

He knows that's what most people see when they see him. A street rat, problem child, the kind of kid you don't want your kid playing with, or talking to, or even breathing the same air as. 

He knows that's what people see when they see him; just another delinquent, with a dead dad, and an addict mom and a drunk uncle, too pissed out of his skull to take care of a child. He sees the wary glances, the pitying looks, the adults who look twice at him because they want to help but they don't want to sully their hands with his filth. He makes sure to bare his teeth at those ones, because while some of them would probably genuinely want to help him, most of them look at him and see someone they can exploit, someone no one will miss. 

He's seen it enough times to know the deal; lost kid living on the streets, helping hand from a stranger, never to be seen again. And like hell is he going to be one of those kids. 

So he steals hubcaps off cars and deals in other petty thievery after his uncle O.D.'s, in between moving from foster home to juvie, back to foster home, back to juvie, and tells himself he is not a reject. He's not; he's a survivor. 

He sleeps in the rafters of the theatre at school, watches as the kids play their hearts out on stage. He finds out all he can about Robin, the Boy Wonder, the kid who every kid in Gotham wants to be. He steals into libraries when he can and gorges on every book he can find, in secret (because he knows what he looks like, what he's supposed to be and kids like him aren't supposed to care so much about fucking reading but he does) and in between all of that, he tells himself he's not a reject. 

(He's not, he's not, _he's not_ ). 

Just because everyone who was supposed to take care of him is dead and the foster parents he gets lumbered with (or who get lumbered with him) all say he's more trouble than he's worth, and that time he spent in juvie ended up with four people dead because of him, and the whole world is telling him he's street trash, not worth looking twice at-

It's bullshit, he knows it's bullshit, because he is not a fucking reject, okay? 

He's not. He's really not.

(If he keeps telling himself that, maybe one day, he'll actually believe it). 

~~~

Jason tries to steal the Batmobile. 

Well, technically he tries to steal the hubcaps, but semantics. Point is, he's bitten off more than he can chew with this one because Batman - _fucking Batman_ , who's standing there in all his Dark-Knight-righteous-glory, and Jason's torn between fearing for his life and revelling in the fact that he's meeting _fucking Batman, what the fuck_ \- caught him trying to steal his ride (the hubcaps of his ride) and surely there's no fucking way this is going to end well for him, right? Right?! 

It ends well for him.

( _The fuck?_ ). 

Batman doesn't beat the shit out of him, doesn't grab him by the scruff of his neck and drag him to the nearest police station (where he's spent enough time time in to know how to escape from now), doesn't do anything someone would expect a vigilante to do to some dumb kid who tried to steal their car (or it's hubcaps). 

No, instead, he gets taken to Wayne Fucking Manor where Bruce Fucking Wayne (Bruce Wayne is Batman, _holy shit_ ) says he wants to help him. 

And yeah, if it had been anyone else, Jason's suspicions would've been higher than the Empire State Building, because rich dudes don't want to help street rats like him out of the goodness of their hearts, not unless there's something in it for them. But this is _Batman_ , and if he can't trust the World's Greatest Detective, the best thing that has ever happened to Gotham, then who can he trust?

_No one, you can't trust anyone, not even yourself, you're a reject, people don't want to help you-_

Good things don't happen to rejects, that's true. But Jason's not a reject so the rules don't fucking apply to him. 

~~~

A year later, he meets Dick Grayson and he's somehow both everything he thought Robin would be and nothing like what he expected. 

He's been doing this vigilante gig for a while now and in that time, he made it no secret that he would very much like to meet the original Boy Wonder. 

Bruce is apprehensive about the idea at first. Apparently, Dick Grayson left his superhero career behind for good when he left for Detroit to become a fucking cop, of all things. But Jason is undeterred (he hasn't made it this far in life by giving up easy) and so when the case comes about the dead bodies of the former members of Haly's Circus, he jumps at the chance to meet his hero. 

And is immediately vindicated when he saves Dick Grayson's life. 

He swoops in like the Bat he's being mentored by and kicks ass, all while his childhood hero watches and Jason knows he's not a reject because he can't be when his life is this good. 

Dick is aloof with him at first, and he tries his best not to freak out while talking to him (he's proud of the way he keeps his composure after Dick accepts his fist bump). They stuff an unconscious guy in Dick's car and travel to one of Bruce's many safe houses. Jason unknowingly lets it slip about the tracker in Dick's arm and is too focused on the hype of talking to Robin to notice the way he bristles. 

They're in the elevator on their way up, standing side by side with their Robin suit cases clutched in front of them (this is so fucking dope) when the dude asks him, "Why do you even want to be Robin?" He says it as though that's actually genuinely confusing for him. 

_Because I want to be like you. I don't to be a reject. I don't want to be left behind again._

"Are you kidding? This is the dopest gig ever," Jason says instead, "Hanging out with Batman, kicking bad guys’ asses, being famous, driving the _goddamn Batmobile_." 

"He lets you drive the Batmobile?" 

He shrugs, leaving out the part that technically, Bruce doesn't _let_ him drive the Batmobile, he just kind of does it anyway. 

Later, he talks about how cops are either dirty or useless, momentarily forgetting his present company is a cop himself, and catches a tracker as it's thrown at him. 

"He did it for us," Jason insists, because how can Dick not see that? How can he not see it was done so if the bad guys get one over on them, Bruce would know where to find them? (It's for this reason he doesn't mention the other tracker he knows Dick has, because one day he might just be thankful that Bruce is a paranoid man who puts trackers in his kids). 

Dick's friends(?) arrive at the safe house and Jason starts to understand the aloofness from earlier a little more. From what he can tell, Dick and his gang of hair-dyed newbies (Kory, Rachel and Gar, his mind helpfully supplies) are on the run from some dangerous people who sent the armed guys to kill Dick. In that aspect, it makes sense he doesn't really have time to chat with his replacement when he's got people to protect. 

_This_ lives up to his expectations of Robin - someone who kicks ass and protects people no one else would bother to protect. Not that Kory looks like she needs protecting. (He'd ask for her number, if he wasn't so sure she had something going on with Dick, and well, bro code). 

He goes with OG Robin, despite his protests, and he learns of how Dick had let Tony Zucco die to avenge his parents' deaths (he gets it, gets why someone would resort to that, gets why it weighs so heavily on Grayson's soul). This had the unknown consequence of Zucco's son plotting revenge by killing Dick's family, the members of the circus. 

"Listen, you want my advice," Dick says to him outside the speakeasy, after Melting Man has taken Clay, the last surviving member of the circus other than Dick, "Don't be Robin. All those years Bruce was helping me, he was turning me into a weapon, _his_ weapon. And he may have you convinced you can get everything you ever wanted but you can't unlearn what he teaches you and you can't control it. Believe me, the price is too high." 

Which is... Fucking bullshit, if you ask Jason. 

Bruce is helping him, had helped Dick, giving them a target for their rage, a chance to be something greater than what they were and Jason, who's been told he was nothing all his life, he _needs_ that. Needs it more than he needs to breathe, because not having a purpose is poison to someone like him, a person whose self-worth is so intrinsically tied with being needed and wanted by someone. 

(You can't be a reject if someone needs you, right?) 

Jason lets him leave before following, because he hadn't known Dick for long but he definitely seemed like the kind of person who would sacrifice himself if it meant saving someone he loves. So obviously Jason's going to have to be the one to watch his back, since he seems hell bent on letting someone stab it. 

He was right (of course) and he gets to save Robin's life _again_ when he hollers down at Melting Man, "He gave you an out, dumbass. You should've taken it." 

"You're welcome, by the way, for saving your life," Dick tells him later. Jason's grinning as he says, "And you're welcome for me saving your life."

And to top the whole experience off, he gets to beat up a bunch of cops. It's cathartic, driving his fists into their faces, as he remembers the asshole pigs who'd punch at and spit on him back in Gotham. It's fun until Dick's got a hold on him and drags away from a perfectly good ass-kicking. 

"You're gonna wake up one day and have no idea who you are," Dick tells him after he pushes him against the wall. 

And Jason wants to laugh, or scoff, or both but instead he says, "Oh coming from the guy screaming 'I'm not Robin, I don't wanna be Robin', standing there in a _fucking_ Robin suit, carrying that case all over the country." 

He keeps going, because he's always known when to stop but he's never stopped when he should. "You wanna know the real difference between us? I know who I am. I kick ass with Batman and I fucking love it." (He's not a reject, he's Robin and no one's taking that away from him). 

He pauses and looks at Dick, because this is not what he expected. 

"But who the fuck are _you_?" 

He stomps on a cop as he leaves and pretends it's more satisfying than it is. 

He's not a reject. But he's not just a survivor anymore. 

He's a fighter. (And maybe something else. Something much worse). 

~~~

Jason returns to Gotham. Bruce doesn't ask what meeting Dick was like and he doesn't tell him. Alfred does ask, though, and Jason spends an evening running his mouth about the former Robin while Alfred patiently listens and interjects every so often.

After it, he's left with the realisation that he might've, kind of, possibly freaked out on him a little bit. 

Just a tad. 

He wants to make it up to him but he doesn't think Dick will appreciate him dropping in unannounced, so he resolves to wait for an opportunity to come up. 

And it seems luck is on his side for once as Dawn Granger and Hank Hall show up to tell him Dick needs help. 

"The goddamn calvary has arrived," He announces as soon as he gets out of the car. He sees Kory and some chick he doesn't know standing outside a house with some weird force field around it. 

(He still can't believe this is his life sometimes. It fucking _rocks_ ). 

"What the fuck is that and why is it wearing Dick's costume?" The random chick says. (Rude). 

"The new and improved Robin." "The annoying new Robin." 

(Also rude, fuck you Hank). 

"Invitation accepted!" He laughs as a portal opens up in the force field and Dawn surmises they're supposed to go through. 

"Titans," Random Chick says (Donna Troy, he later learns). 

"Yes?"

"- _And_ , new Robin," (Once again, fucking rude, singling him out like that), "Let's go." 

~~~

He's at Wayne Manner, in the Bat Cave. Bruce is dead and there's nothing he can do to save him.

_This is your fault. You should have been here. You should have saved him._

"I saw Bruce's future Jason," Dick tells him from somewhere behind him and all Jason can do is spiral down into panic.

"What the fuck did you do Dick?!" (He's not going to cry, not where someone can see him). 

"Batman was gonna break. Kill the Joker. Take down Gotham with him." Except that doesn't make sense, Bruce would never, he wouldn't, _he wouldn't_ -

"He trained you too well Jason," Dick is calm, too calm to be someone who just murdered their foster father, "You could break just like him. You need to be put down too." 

And how many times as he heard that? That he was a burden, a leech on society, unworthy of the air he breathes? How many times has someone told him how the world would be so much better without him?

 _Bruce didn't think that_ , a small voice inside his head tells him, _He saw something in you. Something no else saw. Potential. Greatness. Or maybe just a scared kid who wanted someone to give a damn about him. Bruce cared. Bruce didn't think you were a reject._

Jason is not going to lay down and cry, no matter how much he wants to, because one side of him (the side made of rage and pain, the side that's kept him alive all this time) wants to make Grayson pay for what he's done. 

He stands and turns to face his fallen hero. Dick throws a punch which he dodges and continues to parry the hits until one sends him to the side, gasping for breath.

"You think you're better than me?" Dick asks, voice hoarse and deep.

"I didn't say that," He has to talk around the blood in his mouth. 

He throws some punches, all of which are blocked, tries to go for Dick's legs but is stopped and thrown to ground, his back colliding painfully with the floor.

"You think you can take my place?" He taunts, as though the idea were laughable. 

Jason propels himself off the ground and just manages to say "Dick stop!" before he's blocking an attack, Dick's leg coming up so he has to duck. A few more punches are thrown and then Dick wraps his hand around his throat, lifting him up so he slams into the low ceiling, before bringing Jason back down again. 

There's a few moments of Jason trying to breathe around the fingers that are pushing into his throat. 

"You can be Robin after I'm dead." 

He brings out a smoke bomb and pushes it into Dick's face, finally getting him to let go. 

"If you insist," Jason flippantly says, letting out a wordless yell as he slides straight into Dick's legs. 

He's dodging and punching, trying to match the ex-Boy Wonder for all he's worth. Jason grabs the 'R' emblem from the other man's suit, using it to slice his thigh and then Dick turns him around, pulling his arm backward. Jason screams as Dick brings his knee up to slam into his hand, causing him to lose his grip on the emblem. 

Dick uses his arm to throw him against the desk, the one with the gun, and he gasps as his back makes contact with it. He throws himself at the man when he turns around, getting a few punches in before Dick kicks his face and forces him to crouch onto the ground.

Things stay like that for a moment, Grayson looking down at him as he catches his breath. "Give it up Robin," he tells him. 

He looks to the ground. Looks back up and flips him off. (Badass). 

He picks himself up and spits blood onto Grayson's face, making him flinch and grimace. He wipes some of it off and lunges for Jason, getting a few punches in before Grayson grabs his head with both hands and brings it down to collide with his knee. Dick throws him to the desk again, this time breaking it, causing the gun to skitter across the ground. 

Jason crawls to it and takes it in hand, standing up and levelling it at Dick's head. 

"The gun that killed Bruce's parents," Grayson says, taking a few steps toward him. "You don't actually think he keeps it loaded?" And that's a taunt if ever there was one. 

"No," Jason replies, blood choking him, "But I do." 

He fires the gun and watches as Dick falls before he lets the darkness take him. 

~~~

"If you insist on staying, then I won't make you go. But you should know that I think this will be good for you," Bruce tells him at the Manor, after he and Dick had their talk. Alfred is currently making hot chocolate for everyone as Rachel and Gar explore the Manor with Dick on their tail. 

So. Trigon was a fucking messed up son of a bitch, and it's hard to believe that sweet little Rachel is in anyway related to the bastard, let alone that she's his daughter. 

After messing with Jason's fucking mind, the demon managed to gain control over him and ordered he and the other Titans to beat Gar within an inch of his life. 

Kid's not getting over _that_ anytime soon. 

The rest of them are also probably not going to get over it anytime soon but it's different, somehow, for them. They didn't get the shit beaten out of them by their best friends. 

(Instead, they got their minds played around with like a toddler smashing play dough in their hands). 

For the most part, Gar seems to be doing okay. He flinches whenever Dick or Jason get a little bit too close without him realising it first, and he can see the way that breaks Dick's heart even more than it's already been broken. 

Rachel also seems to be alright, given that she recently destroyed her intergalactic space demon of a dad.

Dick is... Well, Dick isn't doing great but he's not breaking down every five minutes so, that's something. 

And Jason is also not doing too great after Trigon mind-fucked him but, he's been through worse. (Not really, but no one's going to call him out on his bullshit). 

Sometimes, Jason will catch himself staring at Dick just a little bit too long to be considered normal, as his mind savagely replays with strict attention to detail the moment he put a bullet into the other man's head.

(He didn't, he knows he didn't. It was just a dream or a nightmare or whatever. He knows that. But that doesn't make it stop feeling so real). 

"How long would it be?" He asks, to stop his mind from wandering away any further. 

Bruce wants him to go with Dick and the others to Titans Tower and he's not too sure how to feel about that. 

On the one hand, it sounds fucking _sick_. The chance to be a Titan, the opportunity to mentor underneath ex-Robin, the chance to see a bit more of the world than just the shit hole that is Gotham. On the other, Gotham is his home, for better or for worse (definitely for worse), and Robin is his life. Living at the Manor, days spend talking with Alfred and watching shitty reality TV together, nights spent with Batman at his side as they clean the streets of criminal scum and pretending to hate it way more than he does when Bruce fusses over an injury he got on patrol. 

It might not seem like much, but it's his and it's where he belongs. 

He wonders though, if this is just Bruce's way of getting rid of him, after realising he couldn't cut it. Is this just him easing his conscience by lumbering Jason on someone else so he can find a new, better Robin? 

(He thought he wasn't a reject but why else would Bruce be sending him away?) 

"Just a few months, maybe more," Bruce replies, and Jason doesn't let himself think on the implications of that, "Just to see the progress you make where there's far less opportunity for taking the Batmobile for joyrides." 

_Ah_. He really shouldn't be surprised Bruce knows about that. 

Bruce smiles wryly at him before his face turns pensive once more. "This isn't permanent, Jason. You'll always have a place here. It's your home." And Jason's heart swells because Bruce is quite clearly saying he belongs here. 

Jason lets out a breath (he does not sigh, sighing is for love-struck, preteen girls and old dudes like Dick and Bruce) and thinks that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be all that bad to stay in San Fran for a few months. 

After all, what's the worst that could happen? 

~~~

So apparently he needs to explain to the universe what a rhetorical question is. 

Saying goodbye isn't as hard as he thinks it's going to be (probably because it's not really goodbye). 

Bruce's parting words are "You'll be back before you know it" which serves as a comfort because it confirms that Jason _is_ coming back. 

Alfred simply tells him, "You'll be missed, Master Jason. Don't forget there will always be a place for you here." 

He grunts before mumbling a small "Thanks Alfie" and gives them both a quick hug before he can talk himself out of it. He legs it to the car, and Rachel and Gar kindly don't mention the way his eyes seem a little redder than before. 

Dick takes his place in the driver's seat having said his own goodbyes (Rachel and Gar had both managed to wrangle Bruce and Alfred's phone numbers, and Jason can already imagine how much Bruce is going to regret giving in when Gar is texting him at 3:00am to ask some dumb question about the Bat Cave) and then they're off. 

The first three months aren't so bad. They're actually pretty good, if a little repetitive. 

His days are filled with training, devising tactical manuvers, sparring, etc. Dick keeps them busy, keeps them on their toes and Jason's actually learned a lot from him. Rachel and Gar also grow under his tutelage and for while, it's enough to simply train, to not have to worry about any other than trying to kick Dick's ass when they spar (they never do, but Dick seems more amused by their increasingly bizarre attempts to beat him than worried about their progress). 

Life isn't solely about just that either. Jason slowly starts to become more than just Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne's adopted son, and the current Robin. He learns a little of what it's like to be, not just a little brother, but a big brother too. 

It's in the way Dick always look at him after they've finished sparring, a silent question of _are you okay?_ and the way that the only thing he says when he catches Jason reading Game of Thrones was if Tormund was a character in the books (he hasn't gotten that far yet but he promised Dick he'd tell him as soon as he found out), rather than take the piss out of him like he expected. 

(He's not preening from Dick's acceptance of his love of reading, shut up). 

It's in the way that Gar comes to him when he's struggling with something from training and how they can stay up all night playing video games together (kid is surprisingly good at it and Jason has had to up his game since living in the Tower). 

It's in the way that Rachel asks him to get rid of the spiders in her room (he's not sure why but it's probably because he hates them as much as she does, whereas Dick couldn't care less about them and Gar tries to befriend them) and that one time they holed up in the living room and stayed up all night together after watching a particularly freaky horror film (they kept jumping at every noise they heard before breaking out into nervous laughter and talking about literally anything else to keep their minds off of it). 

Titans Tower isn't home but it's starting to feel like it could be and Jason's never felt less of a reject in his life.

It's at this point that everything goes to shit. 

He's starting to get a little antsy about being stuck in the Tower all the damn time and tensions are running a little high. Dick keeps insisting on keeping him here and Bruce agrees with him. There's a new chick in the Tower, who just so happens to be fucking Deathstroke's daughter. The old Titans are coming together to find Dr. Light and he keeps getting left out of things. 

"You stay away from me, you fucking freak!" He yells at Rachel after she lifts him into the air and tries to kill him for beating her in sparring. He knows he's being harsh and cruel, knows that it's not really her, it's her powers, but it's hard to disassociate the two when they're so linked in that moment. And, in his defence, she did just try to kill him, regardless of if she meant it, plus he's got all this anger from not being told what anyone is this fucking tower is up to. 

"You need to get that shit looked at, by like a fucking priest!" He storms off, because he always knows when to stop but he never does. 

All he can hear is Hank saying it's thanks to him that Dr. Light is back, because of his TV announcement, (obviously he stayed and listened) and all Jason can think of is how out of place he feels in the Tower now. 

He's not a reject but he's sure as hell starting to feel like one. 

~~~

"What, we're on the move?" He saunters in with his Robin suit on, the first time he's had reason to put it on in months.

"Yeah, to Omaha. We'll drop you off at the bus station." He ignores Hank's jape. 

"This doesn't have anything to do with you. We'll handle it." Dick is decisive in the way he says that, and normally Jason would back off, but not this time. 

"Look, I didn't come here to empty the dish washer." He ignores the looks they share with each other after he says that. "At least let me run interference or something." 

"Not this time." And Hank, Dawn and Donna start to leave. 

"I can help," he says quietly to Dick, "Look, I'll do whatever you say man, but don't leave me behind." He's always getting left behind and there's only so much he can take before he explodes.

"You'll get your time. Not tonight." Dick makes off after them and the two of them share a tense stare as the elevator doors close. 

"Costume Friday?" Rose, the new chick, Deathstroke's _daughter_ , asks from where she leans on the doorframe. Jason ignores her and clears off. 

~~~

"Where's Dr. Light?" Jason drawls as he walks into the room, and ignores Rachel's quite reprimand. "A little stealth job on a guy who shoots what, head lamps?" He's pissed and he's angry and he's tired of keeping quiet about it, tired of accepting commands like a loyal dog. "I mean, half the city's on fire and still no sign of Dr. Light." 

"Not the time Jason." Dismissal. 

"Look, I don't take orders from you anymore, man. I do what I want, when I want." He has to make Dick understand that the current situation is not fucking working for him anymore. 

Dick half smirks before moving away, brushing Jason off like he's a fly, so Jason pushes into his space, forces him to stop.

"Get out of my way." His voice is low and dangerous and Jason doesn't fucking care. 

He scoffs. "I think you got all wrong. You're in my way." There's an edge to his voice now. He shoves at Dick's chest, can feel the tense looks shared behind him. 

"Yeah, maybe you need to see a retirement package, huh?" He can barely contain the rage, the anger at being constantly pushed to the side like a child interrupting their parent while they work. 

He looks back as he tightens his hand into a fist, sees the way Rachel shakes her head, but he doesn't. Fucking. Care.

"Don't." Dick warns. He always knows when to stop.

(But he never fucking does). 

He swings a punch, and Dick twists his body, hand coming up to slam him to the ground. 

Pain and humiliation burn him and he seethes. 

_"Shit."_ He hears Dick curse before his hand comes into his vision. "Here."

A peace offering. 

But Jason doesn't want peace. 

He wants a fight. 

~~~

"Hey," Gar says as he approaches the console. He leans on it with his back to the screens. 

"Hey," he replies. A silence follows.

"You okay?" Gar asks because of course he does.

"Yeah. Yeah, I've been knocked down before." Jason looks away, knowing Gar is about to try and defend Dick, because that's the kind of guy he is. 

And sure enough, "Look, uh, Dick just reacted. He didn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah he did," he's quick to refute. "Look, I know what I am. I'm a dirty little favour to Bruce." (Because what else could he be? Why else is he still stuck here?) "And probably why they reopened this place. A scrap heap for rejects." 

And God, it hurts to admit out loud, after denying it for so long but there's a peace in the acceptance, a weight lifted. How long as he been pretending he's something he's not?

(He ignores the way his heart aches at the admission. No point in crying over the truth). 

"I'm not a reject," Gar says, looking offended. 

"I'm sorry," he says, because this isn't about Gar, "I didn't mean you." 

"You're not a reject either Jason," _Lie, lie, lie_ , "We're... We're Titans." He says in the same awestruck way that Jason used to, before he realised what being a Titan actually meant. 

"Hey, can I help here?" Jason needs to find Dr. Light before the others do because he might be a reject, but if proves himself, fixes their mistakes then maybe... Just maybe it'll be enough for him to go home.

"Uh, sure," Gar replies as Jason slides off the counter and moves around so he's standing in front of the screens. "I'm just checking for heat signatures. After Dr. Light absorbed all that energy, he's gotta be radiation hot." 

"What's that?" Jason points to the only section of the map with no heat signatures. 

"Emergency exits on the Bayline Train Station. Underground, so impossible to read." 

"Train tunnels must have underground heat sensors, in case of a fire," Jason adds, turning just a little to show Gar he means business. 

"Good idea." Gar praises, hands in motion as he adjusts the search, "I'm just gonna piggyback on the Bayline system." 

A beeps goes off as the two the high heat signatures coming from the underneath the station. "Holy shit," Gar laughs, getting out of his chair, "You're amazing, Jason. I think we got him," he makes to leave down the corridor. 

"Whoa, where you going?" He raises his voice, enough to get Gar to stop in his tracks. 

"To tell Dick." (Of course he wants to ruin this for Jason). 

"I got a better idea. Look, why don't we take a quick look, just to make sure? 'Cause if we're wrong, we'll look like assholes." (Please just yes, please just say yes). 

"Yeah... No." He starts off again.

"Gar, I _need this_." He's not pleading. Not at all. He's... Persuading. "To make things right with Dick, to show him what I can do. What _we_ can do." Seems he's not above emotional blackmail. 

He sighs. "Look, he knows what you can do. You're Batman's guy." 

Except he's not, is he? Hasn't been for a long time. 

"Was." Gar looks uncertain, and he hates that he's using his friend like this, but sometimes, the ends justify the means, right? 

"Look, I'm not saying we go rogue. We'll just do some visual verification, lay eyes on the guy and call Dick." Gar's wavering and Jason has him right where he wants him.

_Bet you're feeling real proud of yourself, for messing with him like this._

"Look, help me out Gar. I could use a win." 

He looks away. "Quick look, then we call Dick." He grins and ignores the sliver of doubt that creeps into his mind, telling him this is a really bad idea. 

_It'll all be fine,_ he tells himself.

~~~

It's not fine. Like... At all. 

_Work, damnit, work,_ he thinks, as he smacks the torch in his hand, because Dr. Light is right fucking there. 

This of course draws the attention of the super villain to him, who stands up upon realising he has company. 

"What, the big kids weren't available," Light taunts, "They sent Junior Robin?" 

And Jason's not panicking, 'cause he's fought assholes like him before and this is his chance to prove himself, so he's not going to fuck this up. 

The lights go out from the tunnel they're standing in and it jars Jason, makes him lose focus.

"Maybe you're just a fanboy." Dr. Light grins, practically laughing at him. 

Jason drops the torch from his hand just as the dude sends a blast of light at him and he has to dodge to avoid it.

The first part of the fight is pretty much him getting his ass kicked as he desperately tries to fight back. 

It isn't until he hears Dick's voice in his head that things start going his way.

_"In battle, anything can be taken from you. No matter what is taken, you must be able to keep fighting and win."_

He's had so much taken from him. His childhood. His shitty dad. His junkie mom. His useless uncle. His chance at a normal life. The new life he had built for himself as Robin back in Gotham. The family he had cultivated there and the one in San Francisco. How much has he lost? How much has he let other people take away from him? 

_No more._

He might be a reject but he's not gonna be for much longer. He's gonna fix this, make it right. 

'Cause he's Jason Fucking Todd and he fights for what's his. 

"Hey lightbulb," he says, rather breathlessly, after he's gotten to his feet. 

"Fuck off!" Light screams and he jumps out of the way of another blast, but he's ready for it this time. 

"Is it light like 'Light Beer' light?" He goads. _Show your hand, big guy, I fucking dare you._

"Shut the fuck up!" He lets out two blasts, both of which Jason ducks under, yelling out "FUCK YOU!" as he charges at the man. He dives and rolls onto the ground, coming up to stand in front of him. One hand wraps around Light's throat to keep him place while the other slams repeatedly into his face. He throws Light to the side, and holds onto his arm when he tries to punch back, bringing his knee up to slam into the other man's body. 

Light stumbles backward and Jason ducks under the punch thrown his way, twisting him around so he can throw him on his back.

He kicks into Light, leg coming out to crush into him again and again. He jumps over him and kicks away from the wall so he's straddling the man, blocks the attempts to get him off, and holds him in place. 

"This Titan is back, bitch." 

He brings his fist down onto his face, over and over and over and doesn't stop until he can hear Light laughing, which...

The fuck? 

It's then he realises they're not alone in this tunnel. 

He turns to stand but it's too late.

Jason's scream echoes as Deathstroke drags him away. 

~~~

When Jason comes to, it's with his hands bound above his head, body kept in place by the restriction, though his feet are on the ground. He coughs and splutters, slowly lifting his head so it thumps against the wall he's tied to. 

He pulls at the bindings, testing their strengths, but it's more frantic than he intends it to be. 

_"Don't panic,"_ he can hear a voice say in his mind and it grounds him. 

He takes stock his surroundings. He thinks he's still underground, given the way that everything is dark and dump, save for the light that casts shadow. It's coming from behind him. He hears sizzling and he turns his head, just catching Light taking energy from a lightbulb into his hand.

"Oh, Dr. Light," his voice sounds breathless, but he manages a laugh, "Did you come up that shit by yourself, or did your parents saddle you with that bullshit?" 

Contrary to what most people believe, Jason isn't stupid. He isn't the smartest guy around, true, but he hasn't gotten this far without having some wits about him so his japes at Light are completely part of his plan. 

_"Rile him up. He's driven by emotion, so use that against him. Make him angry."_ The same voice from before tells him, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Bruce. 

"I mean, come on. What a lame _fucking_ name." He grins to himself as Light barks out "Shut it!" and executes the next part of his plan. 

"What? Is my talking annoying you, dickweed?" He laughs as he hears Light start to move toward him. "'Cause that's the thing. I can do it all day," Footstep, "And all night," That's it, come closer, "And, if you're nice," he drops his voice as Light comes to stand next to him, as though telling a secret, "Twice on Sunday." 

"I said, shut the fuck up." Jason kicks into his stomach, causing him to lose balance and kicks again, twisting him around so he can wrap his legs around his neck and choke him until he loses consciousness. 

"Night night, asshole," he quips, and he wiggles his hands free. He waits about two seconds before darting to the exit. 

And almost has his face impaled by a sword. 

He stops just before he makes contact with it and curses himself for his stupidity. Of course it wouldn't be this fucking easy. 

"Leaving so soon?" Slade taunts. 

_"Fuck."_ Is all he has time to say before the sword is spun around in Slade's hand. He smashes the end of it against Jason's temple and the darkness consumes him. 

~~~

Jason pulls at the bindings they put on him, but they refuse to budge. 

After his failed escape attempt, Slade had put on different, much tighter restraints than before. They keep his hands clasped together in front of him. He's sitting this time and pretty much completely unaware of everything going on around him due to the noise cancelling headphones and blindfold he's wearing. 

He doesn't like it, being deprived of his senses like this. It makes him feel lost, alone - as though he's at the bottom of a very dark pit, where no one will hear him no matter how much he screams. (And no one will save him). 

It makes him terrified in a way he hasn't been terrified since he was a child. 

Oh, he's also pretty sure he's got concussion, or some shit like that, 'cause his mind's too fuzzy and everything feels like it's tilting to the side every five seconds. 

The good news is, his sick-as-fuck captors seem intent on leaving him alone. The bad news is, that means he has plenty of time to think and reflect. 

And the more he reflects, the more he realises what a complete fucking _douchebag_ he's been. 

First, he was bitchy about not being kept in the loop by the older Titans, which could be good cause for anger, if it wasn't for the fact that Dr. Light was, in fact, their fight. He can't say much for the three of them, but he knows Dick is trying to protect him. It's not about vanity or power plays, it's about Dick not wanting him to get hurt because of his mistakes. And he fucked that all up by walking right into Light's midst, into Deathstroke's hands. 

Secondly, he fucked things up with Rachel pretty phenomenally. Yes, she had hurt him, had tried to _kill_ him, but it wasn't her. He isn't stupid enough to believe that she, Rachel, the girl who cries every time she accidentally steps on a bug, actually wanted to kill him. He should've been helping her control her powers, not making her feel guilty, not giving her more reason to be afraid of them, afraid of herself. 

And he's fucked things up even more than just that, by dragging Gar into this mess. He can't even begin to imagine the guilt the dude is feeling at not being able to stop Jason from getting taken. And Jason wants to scream it wasn't his fault, because it was because of him they were there in the first place. If Jason had just gotten his head out of his ass for five seconds, then none of this would be happening.

But, like always, he had to fuck things up and hurt the people closest to him. Hell, Hank was right, it's his fucking fault this is happening in the first place, for opening his stupid mouth. And even before that, he kept screwing up with Bruce and Alfred, the whole he reason he was sent here in the first place, because he wasn't good enough. 

He has to bite back a sob at that thought because of how overwhelmingly _true_ it is. It doesn't matter what he does, how hard he tries, he always fails. All this time he's been trying to convince himself, convince everyone, that he's not a reject. 

He was wrong before, when he thought that not having a purpose was poison to someone like him, because he's...

He's the poison. He's the bad thing. And everything that's happening to him... 

He deserves it all. 

~~~

Jason's been sitting quietly for a while, focusing on not thinking much about anything. (It's easier that way, not thinking about how badly he fucked this up). 

He has no idea how long has passed, how long he's been here. All he knows is he wants something to focus on other than what a complete fucking disaster he is. 

As if hearing his thoughts, something starts moving in front of his face and he jerks is head to the side to avoid. He can feel it move down his neck, his chest, his stomach, before coming to a stop at his thigh, right where the tracker is-

 _Shit_. 

A knife comes down and cleaves into his thigh. It's sudden and painful, the way it slices through the meaty flesh there and Jason knows he's screaming, but he can't hear a damn thing. The pain is all encompassing and he weeps as his nerves are torn through. 

_Help me,_ he thinks desperately of Dick and Bruce and Alfred, of Gar and Rachel, _I know screwed up, but I can fix it. Please, please, just help me._

He's never begged for anything in his life but he's begging now. To be forgiven, to be saved, to have another chance even though he doesn't deserve it. 

He begs and weeps and screams and no one comes. 

~~~ 

Jason is once again struggling against the bindings that keep him in place, but this time, it's a much more urgent, much more delicate situation that previously because this time, he's hanging outside a fucking skyscraper. 

He's not sure what's going on, not sure when they had moved. He remembers being knocked out at one point and then waking up attached to some sort of scaffolding on the side of a window, with two explosives securing the scaffolding on the building, literal bombs being the only thing that's keeping him alive right now. 

He doesn't know what's going on, but he does know he has to fucking get free, like, _now_. 

And then the screen on the window is lifted and Jason starts panicking even more somehow. Because Dick is there, standing with Deathstroke in the background, no suit on, just plain clothes, no weapons and nothing to protect himself against Slade. 

_Shit, shit, shit,_ he thinks, because Dick is right there, right in Deathstroke's hands, and it's all his fault. Dick's going to die and Jason _can't fucking save him._

Thank God for Kory Anders, who glides into the room and starts kicking ass like the badass she is. He has a moment of confusion, wondering when she got here, but realises it doesn't fucking matter, because she is here and on their side, so Jason will take it. 

Dick's at the window, telling him to hold on, and Jason is going to chew his fucking ear out for it later (later, he might actually live long enough for a later) because what the fuck else is he gonna do when he's dangling off a fucking skyscraper?! 

As the three are fighting, he manages to wiggle his hands out of the bindings.

And just in time, too, 'cause that's the moment when Slade denotes the explosives and the scaffolding falls.

There's a moment when he's floating, just existing in the air, feeling the wind rush past his ears and knowing that nothing is grounding him to the rest of the world. For a few moments, it's exhilarating, liberating in a way so few things are, to be so separate from everything around him. 

And then he starts falling and it's not exhilarating anymore, it's goddamn _terrifying_. 

His hand snags the edge of the building before he can fall any further, and he breathes in a sigh of relief, which he immediately regrets as he starts slipping. 

Dick is there, (the explosives shattered the glass of the windows) and grabs his hand. "Hang on," and his voice is so full of fear and panic, as though losing Jason would genuinely shatter him. 

He tries to hold on. He does. God knows how desperately he wants to live right now, how much he really doesn't want to die. He might've been okay with it before, with Slade and Light, might have made his peace with it then, but now that the prospect of being saved, of living after this day, now that he has the tangible idea of a 'later', he doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to fall. 

(He doesn't want to be left behind). 

But he can't keep his grip and then he's falling, falling, falling...

And he doesn't think he'll ever stop. 

~~~

Jason drives his fits into the punching bag with the kind of ferocity he used back when he was still living on the streets and you couldn't afford to pull your punches. It's not particularly coordinated and he's pretty sure Bruce would have a few things to say about his form, but it's not about training, not about getting better at defending himself. It's about getting his frustration out on something he's not going to hurt. 

(That seems to be all he's good at, getting people hurt). 

He stops, takes a breath and marvels at the fact that he's still, somehow, _alive_. 

When he fell, he thought that was it. He really did. He's been in a few life or death situations, true, but none of them felt quite so definite as that. He just kept falling and falling and knew that eventually, he'd hit the ground and that'd be it. 

He does hit something, but instead, it's a person, a guy who _flies_ up to catch him. They crash into a car and it hurts but he's not _dead_. He's alive enough for something _to_ hurt. 

And then the guy who's saved him gets shot and there's nothing Jason can fucking do.

He starts driving his fists into the bag again, driven by anger and rage and helplessness. He can't even help the guy who saved his goddamn life. What the fuck is the point of him? 

He's not sure how long he's stays there, not sure how much time passes until Dick comes in.

He can hear the footsteps approaching, knows exactly who they belong to, and knows he can hear them because Dick wants him to hear them. He has no doubt that if Dick wanted to silently enter the room, he could do it, which means he's trying to give Jason warning of his presence. Probably doesn't want to startle him or some shit like that. 

And Jason knows this has been coming; the lecture. The breakdown of how completely and totally he fucked things up this time. 

"You all right?" Dick asks. Jason presumes it's the guilt, even though they both know it was Jason's own fucking fault that he got hurt. That the guy who saved him is now hurt. 

"All good," he says. He doesn't turn around. Can't. Doesn't want to see the disappointment. 

"It's past midnight, you should probably take it easy." Fuck, why can't he just leave? Jason wants him to leave. Take the hint and fucking walk away. 

(But he doesn't want him to leave, not really. He wants someone to notice he's not okay. Wants to not fuck up anything else. Wants to not be a reject). 

"I don't want to take it easy. I feel good." He laughs internally at himself. It's such a blatant lie. 

He punches at the bag a few more times before realising Dick is going to give up easy. He turns and looks pointedly at anything but the other occupant of the room.

"That was quite the fall you took." Understatement of the day, that one. 

"Yeah, it was hellacious. How'd it look from your angle?" If Dick isn't going to make this easy, then neither is he. 

Unfortunately, he is not so easily swayed. "Scary." 

"Well, good thing Conner was there." Conner. The name of the guy currently fighting for his life in the medbay. It was one of the few things he had been able to tell them as they took him to the tower. 

Dick goes quiet for a second and Jason knows what's coming, has known it would come ever since he walked in there. "I'm sorry." 

Fuck, he is so not ready for this. 

"Are you sure you're alright?" Dick presses and Jason just snaps because he can't fucking take anymore of Dick tiptoeing around him, can't stand all the niceties before he details how much of a screw up Jason is. 

"Man, cut the crap! Why don't you just say what you really want to say, huh? That all this is my fucking fault for going out there alone." 

"No." Dick says immediately, no room for argument and Jason wants to laugh but he goes on, "I don't think that. Rest up." 

He footsteps start to recede. Jason doesn't watch him go, just goes back to punching the bag, like it'll help him fix the mistakes he made. He drives his fists forward, again and again and again, hoping that somehow once he goes to make another punch, everything will be fixed. But it's not, so he just keeps doing it, so focused on his task that he doesn't even notice when the footsteps return much later. 

"Let's spar," Dick says, and Jason turns around so fast he thinks he could get whiplash. Dick is dressed in the type of clothes he wears for training and is currently picking up two wooden swords off the rack. 

"Why?" He asks, even as he takes the wraps off his hands and tosses them to the side. 

"I don't think either of us are going to be sleeping anytime soon tonight," which is true, but Jason can tell it's not the real reason Dick is here right now. 

He doesn't have much time to think on it though, because Dick tosses one of the swords to him and he only just manages to catch it before the other man hits his thigh, hard. Jason grunts before swinging his sword down to meet Dick's shoulder, to which he dodges. 

They go on like that for a while, and Jason is... Not surprised but interested in how good it feels. He came down here to let off some steam and to think about something other than the past few days. But even though boxing had been a good release for his pent up frustration, it was pretty much a thoughtless action for him, meaning his mind wandered.

But sparring with Dick means he has to be completely focused on the task at hand. He has to match him hit for hit, defences up, completely unable to relax for a second in case it gives Dick an opening. And though that sounds stressful, it's actually really good because it means he doesn't have to think about anything but sparring. 

They've been at this for a while now (Jason's not really sure how long. An hour? Two?) before Jason gets sloppy and let's in a hit to his stomach that he definitely should have been able to block. It throws him off and he crashes to the ground in a less than elegant heap. 

Dick stops as Jason struggles to get up. It's not even that it hurts that much, but the brief reprise has allowed the thoughts Jason's so desperately been trying to ignore to come back in full force. 

_This is pathetic. First you couldn't take simple orders, then you couldn't stop yourself getting kidnapped, THEN you couldn't stop Conner from getting shot and now you're so weak you can't even get off the floor._

"Let's take a break," he can barely hear Dick over the blood rushing through his ears, but somehow he does, and that's why he shoves himself off the floor, hard.

"No." He doesn't need to be told he's weak, doesn't need to see Dick's pity. "I don't need a break." 

"Well, I do," Dick throws a water bottle over at Jason before settling onto the mats as he drinks his own water. Jason reluctantly joins him, and they sit in companionable silence for a few minutes. It's nice. He didn't realise how badly he needed a drink until he takes his first sip and then it's all he can do not to guzzle the whole thing at once. 

Dick sighs, bringing his attention back to him. He opens his mouth before closing it again, seemingly struggling with saying whatever it is he has to say. 

"Look, Jason," he finally gets out, and Jason's heart sinks to his stomach because he sounds so... Remorseful. And the only reason he can think of for such an attitude is if... If he's being kicked out. Told he's not good enough to be a Titan and so has to be sent back to Bruce, who won't want a Robin that can't do his fucking job.

He wants to stop Dick from talking. He wants to get up and leave. He wants to scream and rage so he doesn't have to hear that he really is nothing but a reject. But he can't because he's frozen in this moment, from fear and anxiety, waiting for the axe to fall on his neck. 

Dick sighs again (because he's a melodramatic fuck) and says, "I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything you've been through." 

Jason blinks, because that isn't quite what he'd been expecting. The words register in his mind on some kind of muted level and he stamps out the flare of anger that says this is Dick taking pity on him (which he can't fucking stand. He doesn't need anyone feeling sorry for him, for fuck's sake) because he knows it's not. He doesn't quite know what it is, but he knows it's not that. 

"You were supposed to be safe here. This was supposed to be a place for you to learn more about protecting yourself and about being a part of a team. I was supposed to be teaching you to be a better Robin but all I've done is dismiss you and make you feel like you don't belong. More than that, I let you get hurt. I-" he cuts himself off, voice thick with emotion. "Fuck, you almost _died_. And, and it would've been my fault." 

Dick breaks off again, and Jason wants to stop him from talking but he also doesn't. 

"I should've been honest with you guys from the beginning but instead I kept quiet. I told myself I was protecting you but... But really, I was protecting myself." 

He's not quite sure what Dick's getting at anymore but maybe that doesn't matter right now. Maybe what matters is, "So you don't- you don't think I'm a reject?" 

He forces himself to look at Dick, whose face has taken on a confused expression. "Of course not." 

And apparently that's all it takes for the fucking dam to break. 

He starts sobbing like a fucking baby, the kind of ugly crying that inspires tears and snot to dislodge themselves from your face. It's messy and gross and so, so _embarrassing_. (And yet it feels good).

But Dick doesn't seem to mind, because he scrambles to pull Jason into a hug so Jason's sobbing on the other man's t-shirt. He starts murmuring dumb reassurances like "It's okay" and "I've got you" and Jason will never admit how good it feels to hear someone say that to him. 

When his sobbing tapers off to hiccups and sniffles (and holy fuck, this is Embarrassing with a capital E), Dick starts talking again. 

"I don't know what gave you the impression that I thought you were a reject, but please believe me when I say that nothing could be further from the truth." He looks in his eyes and all Jason can see is sincerity and kindness and warmth. "I think the world of you, Jason. I think you're an amazing person who's had to overcome so many difficulties that you should never have had to face, and despite of all that, you're still able to get up every morning and want to do something good. Sure, you've got some... Rough edges," Jason snorts despite himself and Dick smiles like it's the best thing he could've done (sappy moron), "But despite that, you've got a heart of gold that tries so hard to do the right thing." 

Jason's pretty sure no one has ever said such nice things about him all at once and it's taking everything he has to stop the heat rising to his cheeks. He's got it mostly under control, which is of course the moment Dick decides to say, "You're not a reject, Jason. You're family." 

Tears start flowing again but this time, they're happy. "You're a dick," he says, but the grin on his face seriously underscores any malice that might've been in the sentence. 

Dick smiles wryly. "Gee, that's a new one." And they laugh. 

And Jason, for the first time in his entire life, really believes the lie he's been telling himself all these years. Because it's not a lie. Not anymore. 

He's not a reject. And looking at Dick, who's grinning at him like a fucking lunatic, he thinks that maybe, just maybe. 

He never was.

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any typos.
> 
> WOW I did not expect this fic to be this long. Hopefully it's coherent. 
> 
> Jason has pretty much become my favourite DC character and I would gladly die for him.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this! Please leave a kudos and a comment (but like, only if you want to). 
> 
> No hate please and no stealing. Have a beautiful day!


End file.
